Everything about working here makes me feel like everyone looks at me like I’m a worthless piece of trash. I don’t feel like anyone trusts me or cares what happens to me. If they could fire me and hire someone else at a lower wage they absolutely would. It feels like I’m being looked at like “well you haven’t stolen from us yet but you will.” I come to work and stare at the walls because I don’t have enough to do and then people look at me even more as a waste of space. I just want to scream at everyone that I didn’t create the position I just work it. This place is one giant headache but I can’t leave unless I have a new job. I’m trying to get my stuff together to get one but it’s not easy and it’s going to be even harder to actually get a job. I hate that I drank the koolaid believing that if I had a college education I’d get a good job. I’m so in debt and I’m getting more and more every time I turn around. I’m gonna need a fuckin miracle to get out of this. I feel like I’m at a disadvantage for having a level of depression that can only be stabilized by drugs. But I don’t feel like I am stable. I always feel like I’m ten seconds away from losing it and at any minute I’ll be committed to an asylum. At the same time I don’t feel like I have any right to feel like this. I have the most unbelievable guilt complex of anyone I know and I can’t help buy tell myself how awful I am for feeling like this or thinking for one second that I have a right to feel it. I’m not good at anything worthwhile, I am not useful, I am not nice and I’m pretty sure I’m really not a goo person. I’ve struggled for most of my life with this and it doesn’t seem to matter how hard I work to change it. It doesn’t change. If I’m medicated, I function. Take that away and I’m totally fucking useless. People telling me that it’s all in how you think just make me want to cry and hate myself even more because clearly there’s something wrong with me if I can’t do that. After all my counseling and the work I’ve done, I always end up back in the same spot or worse. I wish I knew what was wrong with me because if I did maybe I could fix it. But maybe I’m completely broken.

My only rant about the election

This is one of those cases where it needs to be said but then done with. If I obsessed constantly about the election and the candidates then I’d drive myself crazy. And I know it’s over but I need to get my response to some reactions and opinions out.

First, I’m very happy with how it turned out. Fucking relieved. At one point last night when I saw that Romney was ahead I thought I was going to have a panic attack. The idea that he might attempt to lead this nation made me sick. I am openly liberal, most notably socially liberal but also a bit fiscally liberal. No one likes paying taxes, duh, but I’d rather have a system in place to catch us when we fall instead of being dumped on our asses like so many still are. No doubt there are people who abuse these systems but there are loads who need them to survive. The people who think we should dump social security, Medicare, medicaid, unemployment, disability, and so on have never been in a position to need help. You might think you’re high and mighty for it but really you just haven’t been bitch slapped with bad luck yet. It is not that people are lazy, don’t want to work, etcetera. Some of these people are absolutely desperate to work but things aren’t going in their favor. Disability? Have you been in a life altering medical situation before? No? Then go fuck yourself. This nation would absolutely fall down if people could just be dropped like that. It’s in a bad enough place with minimal help. People forget that every job counts and that just because you’re making more money doesn’t make you better or more important. If you’re in that position you would be crushed if the people who made your life run smoothly disappeared. And the whole pull yourself up by your bootstraps and so it all yourself? Not. Fucking. Possible. I don’t care who you are or where you’ve been or what you’ve done. You did not get there without help. Everyone needs help to get where they are and it’s disrespectful and rude to pretend you didn’t have help. To pretend that everyone can manage to live and get an education and so on without any help is to pretend that this nation has a living wage and reasonable prices which it doesn’t. The financial state of our country is unstable but it’s getting better. I’m not going to blame anyone for that. It’s just not fair because you know what? Shit happens and it sucks. With all that said, yeah I’m going to support social programs to help people with surviving and getting educated and getting health care. An unhealthy, uneducated nation can’t be productive.

Social liberalism is just what’s right as far as I’m concerned. No one should hide behind some bullshit “moral” façade or cite the fucking bible as an excuse to be an intolerant asshole. You may claim you don’t hate anyone or that it’s “immoral and damaging” but really you’re just an intolerant elitist. Everyone should have the same rights no matter what. That’s the point of this country. I think you’re a dickwad for your so called moral views but you’re allowed to have them. You’re just not allowed to infringe on anyone else’s rights in order to maintain your views.

With all that out there it comes down to this: I think Mitt Romney is one of the most hateful, unprincipled, manipulative, misogynistic, power hungry people I’ve ever seen. I don’t think he wanted to lead this country. I think he wanted power to play with. I may not have liked President Bush on a lot of levels but I don’t think he was that hateful or crazy. It’s so sad that so many religious people go around spouting gods love or whatever bullshit and yet they are some of the most hateful, judgmental, and selfish people.

I think I’m done.

Of course I have no idea how to bold text when I’m on my phone… So you get ¥ for the ones that are true because it amuses me and when the hell else am I going to use that?

You just learned a bit about me:
¥• I am a cuddler.
¥• I am a morning person. (by force)
• I am an only child.
• I am currently in my pajamas.
• I am currently pregnant.
• I am left handed.
¥• I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.
¥• I bite my nails.
¥• I can be paranoid at times.
• I enjoy country music.
¥• I enjoy smoothies.
¥• I enjoy talking on the phone.
¥• I have a car.
¥• I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
• I have a hidden talent.
¥• I have a pet.
• I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
• I have all my grandparents.
¥• I have been to another country.
¥• I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
• I have or had broken a bone.
¥• I have caller I.D. on my phone.
¥• I have bathed someone
• I have changed a diaper.
¥• I have changed a lot over the past year.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
¥• I have had major/minor surgery.
• I have had my hair cut within the last week.
¥• I have mood swings.
¥• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
¥• I have rejected someone before.
¥• I like the taste of blood.
• I love Michael Jackson.
¥• I love sleeping.
¥• I love to shop.
¥• I own 100 CDs or more.
• I own and use a library card.
¥• I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
¥• I sleep a lot during the day.
• I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
• I work at a job that I enjoy.
¥• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
¥• I am currently wearing socks.
¥• I am tired.
• I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
¥• I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

I have/had:
¥• Graduated high school.
• Smoked cigarettes.
• Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
¥• Collected something really stupid.
¥• Gone to a concert.
¥• Helped someone.
• Spun turn tables.
¥• Watched four movies in one night.
¥• Been broken up with.
¥• Taken a college level course.
¥• Been in a car accident.
• Been in a tornado.
• Watched someone die.
¥• Been to a funeral.
¥• Burned yourself.
• Ran a marathon.
• Your parents got divorced.
• Cried yourself to sleep.
¥• Spent over $200 in one day.
¥• Cheated on someone.
• Been cheated on.
¥• Written a 10 page letter.
¥• Had a best friend.
¥• Lost someone you loved.
¥• Skipped school.
¥• Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
• Stolen books from the library.
• Been in a mental hospital.
¥• Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
¥• Fired a gun.
• Been in a school play.
• Been fired from a job.
• Taken a lie detector test.
• Swam with dolphins.
• Attempted suicide.
¥• Written poetry.
¥• Read more than 20 books a year.
• Gone to Europe.
¥• Loved someone you couldn’t have.
¥• Used a colouring book over age 12.
¥• Had surgery.
¥• Had stitches.
¥• Taken a taxi.
¥• Had a hamster. (rat)
¥• Dyed your hair.
¥• Had something pierced.
¥• Gotten straight A’s.
¥• Your parents sent you to a shrink.
¥• Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color:
• Light brown
• Medium brown
¥• Dark brown/Red
• Blonde
• Black
• Dirty blonde
• Strawberry blonde/Ginger
• Multicoloured

My eyes are:
¥• Brown
• Blue/Grey
• Green
• Hazel
• Light brown(with green)

I am:
• Male
¥• Female
• Other

People sometimes label me as:
• Slut
¥• Girly
¥• Ugly
¥• Nerd
¥• Other
¥• Dark
¥• Weird

Some of my biggest fears are:
• Spiders/other insects
• Dying
¥• Doctor/Dentist appointments
¥• Hospitals
• Needles
• Disease
• Being alone in the dark
• Heights
¥• Small spaces
• Oceans/large bodies of water.
• Holes
• Large animals
• Small animals
• Open spaces
• Lightning

I have:
• A friend with benefits
¥• A laptop in my room
¥• A television in my room (in my living room… XD)
¥• Good grades (when I was in school)
¥• My own car
¥• Married parents

Inspirational Boredom?

In what I’d like to call a fit of inspiration but is actually boredom, I thought I’d write again. If I just wrote when I was bore instead of eating or watching bad tv I’d be thinner and more closely on a path to my hopefully great literary success. However my boredom is often accompanied by laziness. As it is now I’ve got another 30 minutes till I can close the coffee stand for lunch and there’s not a single customer in sight. This is potentially the most boring job I’ve ever had. At least with my last job I was able to alleviate my boredom by having my computer with me. Here all I have is my phone. It’s a bit more difficult and using this tiny touch screen keyboard makes it likely that I’ll look like a dumbass with a stupid typo. Considering I’m pretty sure no one reads this I guess it doesn’t matter.

I’d like to think I could become one of those bloggers everyone likes to follow and read and maybe I could even stir up a bit of controversy. Not convinced that will happen. I don’t write personal narratives amusingly enough and I suck at staying on a subject for a whole blog. I’ve had the thought of writing up reviews on older movies and books, despite the fact that they came out however long ago and have probably been repeatedly reviewed. Maybe in the next post I’ll give it a shot and see if anything comes of it. And now I really don’t have much else to say.


O hai thar tumblr. Long time no see. I admit I’m writing now because I’m bored but also it’s time again to try to work things out and my brain sometimes does that better when I’m writing. Based on that and the way things have been recently that means I should be writing constantly… Alas I am not. Which is only one of many reasons for my feelings of complete fairer at life. I wrote a list of goals the other day, partly random, partly stuff that’s been on my mind a long time. All I need to do now is get busy on completing these goals. They are:

-Write. Finish one draft of one Every book by December.
-Kickboxing. Try out the club this week and then look at options to afford enrollment.
-Diet. No more fast food and limit sugar.
-Learn sign language with my BFF. Just because.
-Make quilts. Aim for one a month.

I haven’t written in literally well over a year. It’s supposed to be my passion but I just can’t seem to open a document and let the words flow. I should probably try to do some long hand and see if that helps the flow. Of course I type so much I’m a weenie and my hand starts cramping. My need to write also comes from my desire to have a writing career. I have a job. It’s proving to be one of the least fulfilling jobs ever and that desperately needs to change. At this point my most likely best option is to get a different job but because my boss is really great and accommodating it will be better to stick it out until I get a career. Given that I have almost nothing to do here I need to take advantage of that free time and write. A tumblr post is a start but it needs to be more.

I looked into a kickboxing club but I haven’t had a chance to visit it. Yes, I’m lazy. I have barely worked out since my surgery over two years ago. I still have some issues but the main one is that I’m in poor shape and that needs to change. I gained way too much weight and I need to lose it. I’m not happy with myself and I don’t feel good. Money is an issue. I can’t pay all my bills so adding another isn’t ideal but my mon said she would help because she thinks it’s important. Now I just need to push myself to take the steps to do it and then make he commitment to go every night.
Diet goes along with this. I eat like crap and in the past the most effective way for me to lose weight has been to limit my diet and consume a minimal number of calories a day. I’ve been trying an using an app for this but I still eat pretty badly. I have no self control and I need to get it fast.

Sign language? What? I don’t know. Cally likes it and I thought it would be a good brain challenge for us. I’ve always wanted to learn just because I live watching people use it and I’m hoping my brain wraps around it easier than it does with totally foreign languages.

Quilts! I love making them. I just finished one for my (absolutely gorgeous best ever in the world) niece and I really liked it. As mentioned before I’m dirt poor so if I could launch a business and make some decent money that would be helpful too. it would also bring me a little closer to living with passion.

I have a red rose tattoo on my back that is supposed to stand for passion; being a passionate person, living with passion, seeking it out and bringing it into my life in all forms. I haven’t been doing that. Maybe I need to be able to see a passion tattoo more regularly.

One of the things it all really comes down to is that I don’t have control of my life and I need to I’m just floating along and it’s not going anywhere. That means it’s time to grab it by the balls and drag it exactly where I want it. One thing that would help is to not be so stressed out. Kickboxing would probably help and being stable with my finances would as well. I don’t know how to change that part. Once legal matters are out of the way that should help too. One less bowl of stress on my table.

I want to be happy, relaxed, healthy, and able to enjoy life without it being so exhausting to do so. I don’t want to not work but I don’t want to feel like I’m shoving against every possible obstacle every step if they way. Isn’t it time something went a little my way? Yes I need to work and I will but a little help would be nice too.

loled so hard…

loled so hard…


The boy who saved the world he was never a part of, and was broken for it.

Oh Sammy I just want to hug you

Yep, I’m gonna cry…

Kony2012 Resources

I jumped on the bandwagon pretty quickly with the Kony2012 campaign, like a lot of people did. Of course immediately after I did, I started reading controversy about it, mostly criticizing Invisible Children for their use of funds, their transparency as an organization, their use of facts and the possibility of exaggerating them for their own purposes, and of their choice to support the Ugandan army. This was kind of conflicting since it does seem like Kony and the LRA need to be taken down, but it’s hard to want to support the Ugandan army in their achievement of this when so much is saying that they’re also guilty of rape and looting and possibly using child soldiers (this is one of the least verifiable bits I heard). So far I haven’t been able to find a lot about that particular aspect of the Ugandan army. I did find other pieces that give more information and food for thought about the whole situation.

This links to the 34 page document reporting on the LRA conflict from the International Crisis Group. The ICG describes themselves as “an independent, non-profit, non-governmental organization committed to preventing and resolving deadly conflict.” I only read the introduction to the document but I think it gives a pretty decent, fairly unbiased summary of the issues caused by the LRA, the issues the Ugandan army has had in trying to stop Kony, and the recent US involvement.


This is Visible Children, a tumblr blog by a Canadian college student who is opposed to the tactics of Invisible Children and their use of funds. He raises some interesting points and provides links to more information.


This is an article from Foreign Affairs, published last November, about the LRA, the US involvement, and the apparent sudden increase in interest. Remember, this was published prior to the release of Invisible Children’s film.


Last is Invisible Children’s response to the criticism they’ve received recently from such sources as Visible Children. It offers a little more transparency than was previously released and admits to, while justifying, oversights in the film.


One more source, which is the one where I found most of my listed sources, is Rachel Held Evans’ blog. She admits to her confusion over the controversy that seemed to arise after she posted the Kony2012 video and offers a variety of sources to look at several sides of the issue.


I still feel it’s important to get the word out and I think Invisible Children’s film has done that effectively, but it’s also important to get more information out about this issue so people can be more comprehensively informed about what they are or are not supporting. With this in mind, I support Invisible Children’s goal, but I would suggest donating cautiously if at all. Review how they use their funds and decide for yourself if they are transparent enough in their use of funds and if you feel they use enough of the funding for appropriate projects. This is one of many issues that needs to be addressed in the world and it seems that Invisible Children’s goal is primarily to raise awareness and get people to do something instead of just watching. Admittedly there is far too much apathy in the world, including from myself. Probably 90% of the time I don’t care and if nothing else, maybe this pushed me to care and will help me get involved with other issues that mean more to me. Maybe it will do the same for others as well. Regardless of the cause, an informed activist is a more effective activist.

KONY 2012

First of all, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

Next go here: www.kony2012.com

And sign the pledge. If you can, buy a shirt or some posters or the bracelets or the action kit and use it.

I have heard of the Invisible Children and of the war crimes and child soldiers in Uganda. I never knew as much about it as I do now after taking 30 minutes to watch the Kony 2012 film. I’m still thousands of miles away from this and because I don’t know anyone in it, it will probably never truly hit just how horrific this is, but I can see that it is. Joseph Kony has been in power for 26 years, abducting, raping, killing, mutilating, facilitating sex slavery, and forcing children to kill. That’s 26 years too long and this is the year to end it. Because we have Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, WordPress, Blogger, and every networking site out there, we have the power to spread the word and make sure people know and keep the momentum going until Kony is found, arrested, and made to pay for his crimes. Children should never have to live in fear and they should never wish they were dead rather than living in the circumstances these children are forced into. Take the time to spread the word and do what you can. USE THE POWER OF THE INTERNET TO STOP JOSEPH KONY.

UPDATE: I’ve recently found some other information that makes me call Invisible Children into question. I’m going to do some research myself, but until then, take a look at this. Kony and the LRA still need to be stopped, but maybe we need to look at another organization.


Soap Box Stand of the Day

Actually feel totally sick to my stomach after reading a letter in the paper from an anti-choice group promoting a protest against the local Planned Parenthood. I really wish people would recognize that women’s health is crucial, birth control is a very good thing and whether you like it or not there are too many unwanted children in this world who will never have a home or be adopted or possibly even fostered decently. The system is broken, overpopulated and has too much room for dangerous errors by exhausted employees and potential for exploitation by people looking for some “easy” money. I know not all of it is like that but too much of it is. And of course, no one, absolutely NO ONE, has the right to tell any woman what to do with her body. If you are not pro-choice you are not a feminist because feminism is all about equal rights, choice and support.